How A Two Year (non)Relationship Changed Me

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I really haven’t been in a serious relationship since I was 20. I’ve been on dates and talked to guys, but nothing ever serious. I never found a spark in someone or met someone that made me say, “hey, I could see myself with you”, until a couple of years ago I was kind of set up by someone my sister was dating. He worked with this guy and I guess he suggested he talk to me. He lived in Columbia SC and I am in Myrtle Beach, SC so that’s a good three hours (154 miles to be exact).
We text all the time and FaceTimed on multiple occasions. I finally had met my spark, so I thought.
We met up when I was in town visiting my sister. I was quiet at first and unsure because it was so super new and I’m really insecure, to be honest. I didn’t feel like I was his type and I really felt like he was out of my league. But nonetheless we had a good time and it was a really good first impression. He complimented me on my style and that was enough for me.
As things carried on, long distance of course, I would drive back and forth every chance I got with the very little money I had at the time to see him. He unfortunately didn’t have a car for whatever reason. And never did he once financially contribute to any of those trips.
He would be on jobs out of town and run out of money. He would ask me to wire him money through WalMart and I was fine with that. I’ve been broke before and sure would have appreciated someone helping me too. This happened a couple of times though, and he never paid me back. But I was so caught up at the time, it didn’t matter to me. What’s mine is yours.
As time went on, I noticed I would never hear from him on the weekends. Calls become less frequent and replies to my text were rare.
We finally just stopped talking.
I remember leaving the gym one night and getting a random text from him. I was super happy to hear from him and thought that maybe things would work out this time. I was naive.
He asked me for money and when I told him no, he got upset with me. The next morning I woke up to a Snapchat story of him with another girl. Kissing and hugging all over her. Well, that was fast. “How you gonna ask me for money to go hangout with someone else?” I was crushed. And I totally text him confronting him about it. I could tell he was embarrassed but not because he was sorry for what he did, but more so for the fact he was caught. Don’t put things on the internet guys. Girls will find out.
He literally begged me to forgive him. I ignored his calls and texts all day. I was fuming but more hurt than anything. Here I was funding his nights out with other girls. How stupid was I? Very stupid. Because I took him back.
He called and text everyday, except for weekends because he said he needed a break to hangout with his friends and run errands. But Snapchat told a different story. Late nights drunk with friends and strip clubs spending the money that he never paid me back. But of course, I never asked. I didn’t want him to be mad at me. He had a way of turning everything I said to him around and making me the bad person. Every. Single. Time.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always bad. The time we spent together was always really great. I honestly just enjoyed his company. He was funny and sweet when we were together. We went to concerts, dinners, movies, etc. and all at my expense of course. Still, I was kept a secret and at a distance.
I remember commenting on his Instagram photo once telling him happy birthday and how that comment mysteriously disappeared the next day. He will never confess to it, but he deleted it to keep it out of sight from the other girls he was dealing with at the same time. And I knew it.
The thing that broke me in the non-relationship was that I was always kept hidden.

Imagine someone with such a poor self-esteem already, and then getting into this relationship that someone wanted all the benefits but wouldn’t own up to you.

One Christmas, he told me that he wanted to get me something and I told him I really wanted a new watch. In return, of course he wanted something too. A $300 pair of Jordan’s. So I got them for him. And of course I never saw that watch.

After two years, off and on, that was pretty much the beginning of the end. I finally had enough and so had my bank account. I became more distant and more guarded. I stopped answering phone calls and texts became less frequent from me.

I wasn’t me anymore. I was down, depressed, and everyone noticed. No one ever really knew what was going on with me. I hid it from everyone. When we were fighting, or he was ignoring me on the weekends, it really affected me. I cried almost everyday when we were dealing with each other.

I was tired of him refusing to be anything with me but reaping all of the benefits. I told him how I felt several times and they were always brushed under the rug with him OR turned around to make me feel crazy. He made sure to make me feel like I was just an option and that we weren’t together but at the same time I was always questioned when I had late nights out with friends or if someone commented something suspicious to him on my social media. He didn’t want his personal ATM and Myrtle Beach vacations to slip away. He made sure that I was never made to feel special. I was a secret and that’s how he liked it. He made sure that his Instagram and snapchat were free of me but always flooded with him partying with friends or with girls that weren’t me. I really don’t know why I held on as long as I did, but I finally realized how stupid I had been. I was too kind and trusting. I’m smarter than that and I deserved better than that.

All the while, his excuse was that he wasn’t ready for a relationship but swore I was the only one he was dealing with. He said he wasn’t financially stable to be in something serious and that he had been hurt before. I should have ran. I have no ill feelings towards him but if he was on fire and I had a gallon of water, I wouldn’t even give him a cup.

I learned a really good lesson though but damn has it made me guarded. And I hate it because I’m sure I’m passing up really great guys that could be something but in my heart, I still haven’t recovered from how awful I was treated and it’s always in the back of my mind that I’m not good enough or that I’m going to be used again. I hope that one day I can forget him and don’t see certain things that remind me of us together. And I hope that one day, he changes but it will be too late. What he did to me is unrepairable.

 

xoxo,

 

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